Older Women and Younger Men: The Child Dilemma

CBGrace raised a good point regarding children in regards to intergenerational relationships. This is a very difficult topic for most, but it needs to be addressed.

It is best if the decision for children is made early in the relationship, so the man knows whether or not he will be a father. If he wants children and his partner does not or cannot, this will definitely put a strain on the relationship, especially if the desire surfaces later on.

The man must understand the situation upfront. And once an agreement is made, it must not be broken. Otherwise, friction will occur, and it could be significant enough to tear the relationship apart.

If the woman wouldn’t mind being a mother but cannot have children due to her age, adoption is a possibility, although it is a difficult and lengthy process. Once again, the man must accept the fact that he will not have any children of his own. As before, this must be discussed at the beginning of the partnership or else it could prove to be a disaster later.

There is another aspect to children in an intergenerational relationship.

What if there is a significant age difference and the woman already has children from a previous marriage? How would the children react knowing that their mother’s companion is closer to their ages, or more difficult still, if the children are older than the younger man?

I know first-hand that such a situation can occur, and it did prove to be a negative factor – enough so that the relationship did end after more than 14 years of success. Once the children suspected their mother was with someone so much younger than them, it was over. In hindsight, it was destined to fail, since we had to keep it secret from them for so long. But that’s all part of the consequences of having a non-traditional partnership.

I don’t know if anything I have written here has helped anyone, but I hope that at least it demonstrated that the desire for children – or how the existence of older children – can be a pivotal factor in whether or not the relationship will succeed.

As a footnote, I’ve never wanted children, so it never has been a problem with my choice in dating older women. However, I know that children from a previous marriage can still cause an otherwise successful relationship to end.

For those involved in intergenerational relationships, I wish you only the best of luck for a long and joyous future together.

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Older Woman / Younger Man Relationships: Questions and Answers

Wow! When I wrote the article about May-December relationships between a younger man and an older woman, I didn’t expect to get nearly the feedback I got, either through e-mail or from search engine results. The only other topics that did better were Xanax and cult life. I hope there is no connection amongst these subjects!

I am not a relationship expert, nor do I have all the answers to many of the questions that were poised towards me. But I might be able to help sort out a few more facts about such intergenerational relationships.

Let’s begin:

Q. What is an appropriate age difference between a man and a woman?

A. That answer completely depends on the individuals involved. For some people, ten years is far too much. Other couples struggle with only a three year age difference. I personally have had significant age differences and did just fine. (Other non-age related factors ended my partnerships.) So there is no right or wrong answer to fit everyone – You have to determine what is a comfortable zone for you.

Q. Will he leave me for a younger woman?

A. Once again, it depends on the personality of the man. Let’s face it: typical, “normal” relationships haven’t done so well lately. With a divorce rate close to 50%, there are no guarantees for success. I do believe you, the woman, should bring up the subject if it concerns you. There is no way to read minds, I’m afraid, and talking it out is the best one can do.

Q. He is too immature. Why won’t he grow up?

A. Men, in general, have been accused of being too immature compared to women, so this argument may have a larger basis to it. But in the context of older women / younger men relationships, there is a good possibility that the man is indeed too immature for a relationship with an older woman. Remember, you cannot change anyone – You can only change the way in how you deal with him. Sadly, in some cases, ending the pairing might be the best solution. If nothing else, maybe it will give him time to grow up some.

Q. Where can I find hot, experienced women?

A. On street corners, in cheap bars, or on pornographic sound stages.

No self-respecting woman would fall for such a shallow attempt at sex by a man of any age.

At least, it hasn’t worked for me…

Seriously, first try having a serious friendship, then a relationship with a woman before sex enters the picture. Yes, there are women out there who will have sex on the first date, but you have to ask yourself: If she’s is so promiscuous with you, who else has she been with? Women, the same goes with you regarding men. Sex should never be the first step in any relationship. And with AIDS other STDs still prevalent, it’s really a risky chance to take, even with condoms.

Not exactly a question, but something worth considering… I feel it is safe to say most older women prefer older men for a number of reasons: security, commonality, maturity, more physically appealing (Surprise, younger men – Women have a tendency to prefer an older man’s appearance), just to name a few.

But with only one exception, I have always been the first younger man an older woman has been with. The only answer I can give is that I’ve grown up around older women and feel more comfortable with them. And they feel more comfortable with in turn.

Now, I’m not saying I’ve been with dozens upon dozens of women – I haven’t, and I prefer it that way. But the very few I have dated romantically chose me probably did so because I didn’t pressure her into going to bed with me. Time, patience, and a willingness not to care about sexual matters seemed to have been factors for a romance to bloom.

A rather long answer to the above question, but hopefully an insightful one. Don’t rush things!

Q. Can an older woman / younger man relationship last?

A. I guess it depends on how long “lasting” means. The longest relationship I had was over 14 years, and it only ended when her children (which were older than me) started to suspect. Circumstances ended it, not because we wanted to. But maybe my example is the exception to the rule – I don’t know.

Q. How about older men and young women?

Sorry, that is out of my field. Maybe someone else can take up the slack on that one.

I hope this article gives further information on intergenerational relationships. If you have any questions that haven’t been answered here, just drop me a line and I will try my best to answer it.

Regardless of your relationship status, take care and best wishes!
Shannon

Older Woman / Younger Man Relationships: Wonderful Experience But Not for Everyone

Older Woman - Younger Man

I will start out this article with a confession: I have only dated significantly older women. If I were to analyze myself, I would probably have to assume that my attraction to older women began as a child. I grew up surrounded by mature women and have always felt at ease in their presence.

Oh, and I’m also physically attracted to mature women. All of the things that are supposed to be detriments – winkles, gray hair, loss of firm skin – I find beautiful.

Please Note

Now, this isn’t an article to “lure” women towards me. In an earlier article I spoke about the joys of being single and I’ve meant it. But still I want to share my viewpoint on the subject of “intergenerational” love.

Older Women Are People Too

Without being guilty of confessing too much information, my first experience was with a much older woman. In a sense, it programmed me into seeing older women in a different light. Women do not become automatons, devoid of feelings as they age. Society seems to want to put them on a shelf and forget about their emotions and needs.

The Joys of an Intergenerational Relationship

There is a mutual, unspoken compliment about being with someone outside of the “acceptable” age range. The woman might feel honored that a younger man would show an interest in her. The man might feel flattered that a woman would risk her reputation on him, not to mention all of the available older men she could have chosen instead. Together, sharing each other’s life can be a truly beautiful experience.

The Bittersweet Aspect

The negative side to such a relationship, especially if the age difference is significantly great, is knowing that your partner will in all likelihood pass on first. Death cannot be avoided. But one must ask oneself – Is the joy of the relationship and all that follows worth the risk? To me, the answer is an absolute “yes.” I would rather spend five or ten years with a woman that I love than spend 50 with a woman I only tolerate. Besides, life is unpredictable, and there is always a chance I could go first. But it is a serious subject to consider when pondering a May-December relationship.

What Could You Possibly Have in Common?

That’s a common question, and a fair one at that. But once I see past the age difference, many commonalities emerge. I have a love for classical movies, I love music of all sorts – including the big band era, I like to do creative activities and crafts like crocheting, I love to read books, and to take nature walks. There are a lot of possible similarities if one will only look for them. It isn’t only about sex.

Not for Everyone

People tend to gravitate to their own kind, whether it is race,gender, religion, or age. Many women would never conceive of being with someone much younger. Other women, if not most, prefer the companionship of even older men. There is absolutely nothing wrong with this. Everyone is an individual and has his/her own limitations.

Note to Younger Men

If you are attracted to an older woman, and she is not interested in having an intergenerational relationship, leave her alone. Trying to convert her will only alienate her more. If you can be friends, learn to be happy with that. If you cannot accept that, it’s time to move on. There are other women out there, and some are bound to be interested in the idea of dating a younger man.

A Brief Word on Sex

There is a terrible misconception that older women must be more experienced sexually. This is not always the case. Many have lived rather mundane lives, and their sex life is no different. Don’t confuse real-life with Hollywood and pornographic movies. If the topic of sex should arise, start slow and be very patient. And make sure you truly love her. Love is the greatest aphrodisiac there is.

Should I or Shouldn’t I?

An intergenerational relationship is a difficult choice for most women. After all, younger men are not as apt to be financially sound, inexperienced in the ways of life, and could still show signs of immaturity. As I said before, everyone is unique, so maybe these aspects will not apply to you.

But then there is the social issue to contend with: “How will others perceive me?” “How will my friends accept this relationship?” “What will the children say?” These are very important questions that must be addressed early on while you are still objective. Once love enters the scene, it will be harder to deal with these issues.

Then there is the issue of children. It’s a moot point if the woman is past menopause, but some women in their 40s or so might be confronted with their younger partner about wanting children. This is a decision that must be made early on. If he is adamant about having children and you are not, he needs to move on. There have been too many fights and broken relationships over such matters.

Final Thoughts

Intergenerational relationships can be richly rewarding. It (hopefully) matures the younger partner and helps the older partner stay youthful. But like all relationships, it takes work and dedication to make it a lasting experience. It may not be for everyone’s liking, but then you only have one life to live. Who is going to decide for your: complete strangers or yourself.

I don’t know if I’m ever going to be in another relationship, but I can guarantee you this: if I do, she’s going to have to be older then me.