Chantix: An Update

Well, I’m out of
Chantix… And I’m smoking again! Sigh!

Still, I’m not smoking nearly as much or as often as I did before
taking Chantix – averaging about 2-3 cigarettes a day now – but
I’m afraid my habit will only grow again in time.

I have one more refill left, and I’m going to make the most of it.
I’m putting my foot down and refusing to smoke even one cigarette
while I’m taking the next (and last) month’s supply. Hopefully, I
will finally quit by the end of the last supply.

I know I have to take responsibility for my own health and cannot
blame anyone else for my decisions. That said, it’s hard to stay
quit when you are surrounded by other smokers. It’s almost like the
rule of other drug users: you need to stay away from temptations by
your friends and family. The environment plays a large role in
determining one’s success.

Cigarettes are the definitive love-hate relationship. I hate that I
love them and always feel guilty after smoking.

True, I’ve been under a lot of emotional stress lately, and it’s
better to smoke than deal with intoxication from alcohol or taking
heavier drugs like Oxycontin. But I know my heart and lungs are not
very understanding about the whole situation. Cancer is cancer, and
heart disease is heart disease after all.

Will I finally break the habit once and for all? I will be honest
with you and keep you informed of my success. If you are currently
trying to quit smoking, whether using Chantix or by some other means,
I wish you only the best of luck!

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Living in the Dark: A Bipolar Day

Another Lost Day

Today – September 27 – one of my closest friends got married. I, of course, was invited to come, and I, of course, did not show up.

I’ve been on the verge of tears the past few days but am unable to cry. Fatigue has overtaken me. I’m lethargic and everything appears bleak.

This isn’t meant to drum up sympathy from the readers. I just want to give those who do not suffer from mental illness a flavor of what it is like to feel misery for no apparent reason.

Signposts of Despair

Sure, I can point to my father’s death – nearly four years ago now – or my job situation, or the ending of a long-term relationship, or some problem here or there. But these problems are merely symptoms of a much larger disorder.

Another Futile Goal

I am currently trying to put my room in order. It’s been so long since I’ve lived with any sense of organization in my surroundings. I feel like I’m excavating a time capsule. I’m watching the years roll on by as I dig deeper into my piles of letters, cards, and other important papers I have squirreled away.

On Being Fired

I found the letter that basically told me that I was fired from my job at the college. I don’t know why, but I feel like framing it. All the efforts I mustered to keep going and to keep my job were for naught. The letter sums up my total worth as an employee at the college.

Technically, I wasn’t “fired.” I was simply “discharged of my duties.” Doesn’t that sound nice and neat?

Even if I had perfect attendance, I would still have lost my job sooner or later. My attitude was not developed for that type of environment. Absenteeism is probably a better reason to be dismissed than insubordination or having a paranoid manic episode to scare the “normal” people. Such as things are…

There’s Always a Little Light

After giving you a litany of my problematic feelings, I’m still hanging in there (without a noose). Hopefully by the end of this week I can say “goodbye” to dial-up and “hello” to fast-speed cable Internet access. That’s the plan at least.

And I have been able to stay awake for longer periods of times and be a bit more productive. I can’t say that for last week.

And my therapist has given me a lead for a music-related job. No payment involved, of course, but it’s another chance to get my name out there. I’m always open to the idea of free publicity.

Back to the Grind

Wish me luck on finding room for all the books, old computer equipment, and boxes of letters I have kept. I wish I could buy an extra dimension of space to store things. I’ve used up all of the three dimensions allotted to us in this universe.

Hopefully the next post will be a bit less serious. Just remember, if you are happy, don’t worry – That too shall pass. 🙂

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Older Women and Younger Men: The Child Dilemma

CBGrace raised a good point regarding children in regards to intergenerational relationships. This is a very difficult topic for most, but it needs to be addressed.

It is best if the decision for children is made early in the relationship, so the man knows whether or not he will be a father. If he wants children and his partner does not or cannot, this will definitely put a strain on the relationship, especially if the desire surfaces later on.

The man must understand the situation upfront. And once an agreement is made, it must not be broken. Otherwise, friction will occur, and it could be significant enough to tear the relationship apart.

If the woman wouldn’t mind being a mother but cannot have children due to her age, adoption is a possibility, although it is a difficult and lengthy process. Once again, the man must accept the fact that he will not have any children of his own. As before, this must be discussed at the beginning of the partnership or else it could prove to be a disaster later.

There is another aspect to children in an intergenerational relationship.

What if there is a significant age difference and the woman already has children from a previous marriage? How would the children react knowing that their mother’s companion is closer to their ages, or more difficult still, if the children are older than the younger man?

I know first-hand that such a situation can occur, and it did prove to be a negative factor – enough so that the relationship did end after more than 14 years of success. Once the children suspected their mother was with someone so much younger than them, it was over. In hindsight, it was destined to fail, since we had to keep it secret from them for so long. But that’s all part of the consequences of having a non-traditional partnership.

I don’t know if anything I have written here has helped anyone, but I hope that at least it demonstrated that the desire for children – or how the existence of older children – can be a pivotal factor in whether or not the relationship will succeed.

As a footnote, I’ve never wanted children, so it never has been a problem with my choice in dating older women. However, I know that children from a previous marriage can still cause an otherwise successful relationship to end.

For those involved in intergenerational relationships, I wish you only the best of luck for a long and joyous future together.

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Obsession: Being the Target

I have recounted briefly my long obsession with “Janice.” Now, I will tell you what it is like to be obsessed by someone you casually know.

I will call the woman in question “Judy.”

An Innocent Beginning

Judy worked on the same floor as I did at a community college. We were in different departments, but we were located close together.

At first, Judy came to me as a friend asking for advice regarding a man she in which she was interested. She didn’t know if there was any possible chance that a relationship could grow out of it.

Just a note: Judy was still married at the time of this narrative.

I knew the man she was referring to and told her honestly that I didn’t think it would work out for her. He wasn’t the type for commitment, and with Judy being married I didn’t see any good to come from it.

Judy felt comfortable confiding in me, and I enjoyed her friendship at first. We would argue politics, gossip, and have serious talks about my absenteeism due to my bipolar condition and about life in general.

But then something shifted. It wasn’t instant but something was changing in our friendship.

Unwanted Attention

I cannot remember the first time I became aware of her interest in me. I’ve been known to be rather dense when – rarely – women show affection towards me. I just assume that they are just being friendly and innocent in their flirting.

But one day, Judy’s flirting became a bit too obvious to ignore. She suggested quite plainly that she wanted us to kiss. I tried playing it off as a joke, but I was really uncomfortable during this situation.

And it wasn’t a one-time incident. She would tell me what flavor of lip gloss she was wearing at the time, and hinting heavily that we kiss.

Nervous Situation

After this, the was a noticeable tension in the air between us. She would become upset with me if I didn’t stop by to see her in her office. She would come to my office and sit and talk at awkward times.

My boss noticed it and warned me to be careful. Even he sensed that something was amiss.

She would leave me cartoons, news articles, magazine articles, little gifts, and other items on a daily basis. She would be alarmed when I didn’t come into work. And even when our offices were moved further apart she would still appear.

From Friends to Foes

When I was absent again from work and wouldn’t respond to her e-mails, she tracked down my brother and tried to get him to have me contact her. He just simply ignored her message.

I wanted us to remain friends and only friends, but I could feel her pressuring me for more attention than I was willing to give her. I found myself starting to avoid her whenever I could and would only talk to her to placate her for a while. It was an uneasy environment now developing between us.

Once I got fired from my job, I didn’t want to have contact with her any longer. When I had to go back to my office to retrieve my items, I tried to avoid her with no success. As I was about to leave, she waited for me at the front door. I just told her that I needed space. I could sense her anger and hurt. I felt like I was in awkward position.

Later, I thought it was finally over. But then she responded to my earlier blog on Yahoo. I finally had to put her on ignore and filter all my e-mails with her name and address.

Hopefully Forgotten

Since then, I heard Judy got divorced and was now involved with some other man. I know the former to be true, but I hope the latter is also accurate. I hope I was just a blip on the radar and that Judy has forgotten me. I always assume I’m “out-of-sight-out-of-mind,” but I’m still keeping my guard up.

Luckily, that hasn’t stopped me from starting my own blog site in my own name. I suppose this will be the final test to see if it’s really over.

Obsession: Desiring the Unattainable

“One way or another, I’m gonna win you, I’m gonna get you, get you, get you, get you.”
~ “One Way or Another” by Blondie

Being Honest with Myself

It’s embarrassing to admit to having an obsession, but I feel that it is important to bring attention to the subject. Many people have been the victims of stalkers. And with the advent Internet, it is easier now to track someone than ever before.

But in this first part of my two-part series on obsession, I will tell you how it is being the “obsesser.”

The Beginning

“Through the cold and darkly sky, you’re the only light I’ve seen.”
~ “Up And Down” by The Cars

If I were asked how it all began, I really wouldn’t know how to answer. It wasn’t a sudden incident. It was a feeling that grew in time.

The year was 1984. I was only 13; I estimate Janice was 35 at the time. At this point in my life, I already had to episodes with older women, both much older than Janice. So I didn’t see the age difference as a problem. (Don’t worry – I do NOW that I am older.)

Just to set up the circumstances, Janice was also married with children. At the time, I didn’t see that as a problem. I would like to chalk that up to immaturity on my part. I honestly do know better now.

Symptoms of the Obsession

“Condition’s red, disposition’s blue. Oh why am I so attracted to you?”
~ “Got a Lot on My Head” by The Cars

Interestingly, music had a large part to play in the obsession. I associated The Cars’ and Blondie’s music with Janice. The lyrics “spoke to me” and seemed to relate perfectly with my emotions for her.

Movies didn’t help. “A Night in Heaven,” with Christopher Atkins and Lesley Ann Warren, played on HBO. It was about a college student who was a male stripper by night, and he accidentally meets his teacher at the club one evening. They kissed romantically while Holly Knight’s version of “Obsession” played in the background: “Who do you want me to be to make you sleep with me?”

I would cast Janice and myself in the roles of such movies or in songs I would incessantly listen to. She became a dream figure in my mind instead of an actual woman with day-to-day real-world problems. Today, I know that Janice in my mind is not the real Janice that lives in the physical world, but at age 13, I didn’t make the distinction.

Crossing the Line

“Talk to me now, step into my room, we’ll have a word or two.”
~ “Here’s Looking at You” by Blondie

Of course, I didn’t just want Janice as a dream lover. I wanted her to want me in real world.

Surprisingly, my feelings for her were not sexual; I never really had sexual fantasies involving her. I wanted more of a relationship, something tangible and to be desired by her.

So I wrote her love letters and let her know how I felt.

Needless to say, this did not go over very well. In the beginning she just threw them away. But later – without my knowledge – she wisely started collecting them as evidence just in case rumors got started about us.

I was devastated when I found this out from another teacher that I had befriended. She clued me in quickly, and the dream bubble burst.

The Long Road That Followed

“Baby, why can’t I have you? You’re breaking my heart in two.”
~ “Why Can’t I Have You?” by The Cars

I couldn’t accept that she would not want to be with me, even as Platonic friends. After learning that she wasn’t interested, I wanted more than ever for her to acknowledge me.

I quit sending her letters at first, but over the years that followed I would sporadically send her either a birthday or a Christmas card, never hearing anything in return.

Once, before her divorce, I got up the nerve and called her and just told her how I felt and that I was sorry that I caused her any problems. She was actually friendly and assured me that everything was fine and not to worry.

But there was a sense of closure on her part afterwards. Whenever I ran into her in town, she would ignore me. I never tried to initiate contact with her again, but she still haunts my memory to this day.

Grown Up and Wiser

Even though Janice still plays a part in my thoughts and dreams, I no longer have any contact with her. I now realize that she is like a muse, the basis of a fantasy figure. The Janice in my mind is separate from the real-life Janice. And knowing that helps me to move on, to have other relationships.

But there isn’t a day that goes by that she doesn’t cross my mind at least once. That said, I know I can still live without her attention.

“It’s just a broken lullaby, bye, bye love.”
~ “Bye Bye Love” by The Cars

Obsession: Experienced from Both Sides

I have a confession to make: I have experienced what it is like to be obsessed with someone, someone that doesn’t even care about me. While I never was a stalker in the traditional sense – at least I certainly hope not – I’m sure I have caused stress in this woman’s life because of my attention.

On the flip side of the coin, I know what it is like to be the object of an obsession by a woman that I had no interest in having a relationship with. I know first-hand the difficulties and fear that can exist under this type of situation.

I think of it as karma.

In my next two posts, I’m first going to explore my obsession with a woman (I’ll call her “Janice” from here on out) that still echoes with me to this day, and then relate what it is like be the target of someone else’s obsession.

I think it’s important to discuss such difficult topics and not ignore them, hoping that they will go away. The dynamics of obsession are incredibly emotional, and if there isn’t a basis of reality grounding the obsessed person, it could lead to disaster.

I doubt either woman is ever going to read this, but I wish them both well in their respective lives. I just hope to be out of the picture in both cases.

Thank You So Much For the Comments and E-mails

I just wanted to take time-out to thank everyone who has sent me e-mails and left comments on my blog. My intention is to respond to everyone and visit the blogs left in the comment section.

I have been using the scheduling feature of WordPress which allows me to post several messages at once, then publish them at scheduled times. Therefore, I’m not always near the computer when a new one of my posts appears.

It’s kind of a strange idea actually. I could be dead and my posts would continue on for about a week. Leave it to me to think of something like that…

At any rate, please don’t feel slighted that I haven’t responded yet. I want my blog to stay dynamic and social. I will reply soon once I have the time and access to an Internet connection. (I’m a dinosaur – I’m still using dial-up.)

Thank you once again,
Shannon

If Content Is King, My Blog Must Be the Queen

I love to write. It’s become a passion of mine. I don’t know how well I write: some say I’m doing fine, others seem confused by it. But I hope to continue writing and to improve with time.

But the hardest part I find is knowing what to write. I have a list of topics I want to share, but they need research before I present them to the public. While I would like to be entertaining, I do want to present the facts as best as I can.

Some things I think about are just too boring. Who wants to read about a cat… even a sweet, lovable one like I have?

Other topics I think of are just too silly, such as “Would You Prefer a Zombie Attack or a Robot Apocalypse?”

And other topics are a little too embarrassing, such as the time I went to South Carolina to see a woman I met over the Internet. (I have a sneaky suspicion that many would love to read about THAT post.)

One thing I don’t want to have is a blog listing all the problems and personal hells I’m going through. There seems to be a surplus of those around the net.

So I sit and ponder what subject I will present next. I’ve already told you my personal life in the “Surviving Mental Illness” series. And my Xanax-related series still seems to be a popular read.

Or I could just write about writing… like I just did with this post. There. I did my blog entry for today.

Maybe tomorrow I will actually write something with actual content. Today, consider this post as filler.

And if you are still reading to this point, I send you well wishes and will hope to have you visit my blog again soon.

Straight But “Gay Friendly”

Unlike many heterosexuals, I have been labeled as being gay because:

• I’m not attracted to young women
• I don’t treat women as sex objects
• I prefer the arts over sports
• I’m comfortable with having gay friends.

Because of this misconception, I have endured hatred and abuse as if I were gay. (Name calling, dirty looks, physical threats, etc.) For this reason, I feel like I have a better understanding of what it is like to be gay in southeastern America.

For one, it must be hell to be ostracized from family who do not accept one’s sexual orientation. And from my experience, it seems like one is a moving target for hatred, usually by groups of ignorant people.

Now, I understand and respect the religious aspect to the subject. I know some people feel in their hearts that homosexuality is a mortal sin, and there is nothing one can say or do to change their minds.

That said, that does not give them the right to launch verbal or physical attacks on someone simply because they are “different.”

Personally, I don’t think sexual orientation should be a topic at all. I don’t introduce myself as the “heterosexual Shannon McDowell.” I think sex should be a private matter and not a label to further separate us into smaller groups.

But such as it is, homosexuality has become part of one’s public identity these days. I do not feel that gays should go “back to the closet.” But nor do I think they should parade naked down main streets during Gay Pride Week. There needs to be a balance.

I would like to believe that homosexuals are beginning to find it easier to gain acceptance in the mainstream’s view. Whether or not they were born that way or if it is a chosen lifestyle, I believe in freedom of expression and freedom from harm due to differences, whether sexual orientation, religious, race, or any other label that pigeonholes us.

Whether you are gay, straight, bisexual, or non-sexual, we need to learn to live with one another, assimilate into a single culture. Perhaps this is utopia-thinking, but we cannot go on attacking one another because of our sexual orientations.

If not acceptance, than tolerance. Let’s look for common ground and try to make peace for a change. Treat each other with respect and stop the fighting.

Easier said than done, huh?

Who Is Shannon McDowell and Why Should You Care?

Shannon McDowell

UPDATED 10-1-09

While looking through the statistics, I’m surprised at the number of people who have checked out the “About Shannon McDowell” page. I really do not have much information there about me, so I decided to be a little narcissistic and write a blog entry about myself. (Thank you, Jess, for the idea.)

Here are a few random facts about me that you might find interesting (or you might find repulsive):

• I was born on New Year’s Day of 1971
• I’m not very tall (5’2”) but I’m stocky
• Tennis is the only sport I follow and used to play until my back injury
• The youngest woman I’ve dated is now 60 years old
• I’m a skeptic who has had UFO encounters which have plagued me throughout my life
• I love to compose music and have done the soundtrack to the movie “Five Across the Eyes” (2006) – I will be working on another soundtrack soon
• I have atypical bipolar disorder (dysfunctional depression) and lost two jobs because of it
• I’ve played keyboards and synthesizers in two bands in the 1990s – I am in a new band called “Gunslinger Saints”
• I have a brother (12 years older) and a sister (15 years older)
• I don’t like to label myself but everyone thinks of me as a New Ager, so I just accepted that label. This does NOT mean I cannot be friends with Christians and people of other faiths.
• I have no allegiance to either the Republicans or Democrats – They have to work to earn my vote
• I’m very fiscally conservative and very socially liberal, which makes it hard for me to decide on a candidate
• I would love to be a journalist or convert this blog into a political discussion one – But for now, I’m am just writing random articles that I hope inform and entertain
• I love to make friends with a wide variety of people, including people I might disagree with politically or on religious matters, as long as the discussions stay civil
• My favorite musicians and bands include (partial list): Elliott Smith, The Cars, The B-52s, Blondie, Talking Heads, David Bowie, Pet Shop Boys, and Devo
• I have a wide collection of books, CDs, and DVDs – I love “intellectual property”
• I practically live on the Internet these days, thanks to social media
• I’m an animal lover who is trying (unsuccessfully) to become a vegetarian
• I love to receive comments on my posts (hint, hint)
• My favorite shows are Mystery Science Theater 3000 and Mythbusters. I also love various documentaries and hope to work on one someday
• I love the German language and can read it fairly well
• I HATE driving and I’m a terrible driver (I will freely admit it)

There. That should give you a better scope of who I am. I am a bit eccentric and have “abnormal” interests, but I’m “safe” and friendly.

I can be a bit controversial at times, but I usually keep that part to myself until I feel that it is needed to promote discussion. Despite my high-strung nature, I’m basically an easy-going person who enjoys socializing, although I’m shy at first.

I’m single at the moment and plan to stay that way. However, if I do ever decide to date again, it would be with an older woman. It’s just who I am.

I think I’ve expanded on myself long enough. I’m beginning to feel egocentric now…

If you have any questions or comments, feel free to leave them. Hopefully I haven’t scared anyone off.

Best wishes and blessings,
Shannon 🙂