Living in the Dark: A Bipolar Day

Another Lost Day

Today – September 27 – one of my closest friends got married. I, of course, was invited to come, and I, of course, did not show up.

I’ve been on the verge of tears the past few days but am unable to cry. Fatigue has overtaken me. I’m lethargic and everything appears bleak.

This isn’t meant to drum up sympathy from the readers. I just want to give those who do not suffer from mental illness a flavor of what it is like to feel misery for no apparent reason.

Signposts of Despair

Sure, I can point to my father’s death – nearly four years ago now – or my job situation, or the ending of a long-term relationship, or some problem here or there. But these problems are merely symptoms of a much larger disorder.

Another Futile Goal

I am currently trying to put my room in order. It’s been so long since I’ve lived with any sense of organization in my surroundings. I feel like I’m excavating a time capsule. I’m watching the years roll on by as I dig deeper into my piles of letters, cards, and other important papers I have squirreled away.

On Being Fired

I found the letter that basically told me that I was fired from my job at the college. I don’t know why, but I feel like framing it. All the efforts I mustered to keep going and to keep my job were for naught. The letter sums up my total worth as an employee at the college.

Technically, I wasn’t “fired.” I was simply “discharged of my duties.” Doesn’t that sound nice and neat?

Even if I had perfect attendance, I would still have lost my job sooner or later. My attitude was not developed for that type of environment. Absenteeism is probably a better reason to be dismissed than insubordination or having a paranoid manic episode to scare the “normal” people. Such as things are…

There’s Always a Little Light

After giving you a litany of my problematic feelings, I’m still hanging in there (without a noose). Hopefully by the end of this week I can say “goodbye” to dial-up and “hello” to fast-speed cable Internet access. That’s the plan at least.

And I have been able to stay awake for longer periods of times and be a bit more productive. I can’t say that for last week.

And my therapist has given me a lead for a music-related job. No payment involved, of course, but it’s another chance to get my name out there. I’m always open to the idea of free publicity.

Back to the Grind

Wish me luck on finding room for all the books, old computer equipment, and boxes of letters I have kept. I wish I could buy an extra dimension of space to store things. I’ve used up all of the three dimensions allotted to us in this universe.

Hopefully the next post will be a bit less serious. Just remember, if you are happy, don’t worry – That too shall pass. 🙂

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