Drowning in Music and Other News

Hello everyone!

Sorry to have neglected my blog for so long, but I have been extremely busy composing and remixing music these days.  I now live on www.kompoz.com and www.indabamusic.com the past several weeks.  I think I finally had a breakthrough with my music – I now average a song a day!  That is unheard of for me.  Of course, not all of them are winners, but at least I’m completing music projects on a daily basis.

One of my songs, “Suicidal Days,” made it to an international PodCast – Another breakthrough.  (Other members who have collaborated on this song are Emmett Harris (lyrics), Marcelo Boratto (guitars), and Steven Gardner (vocals).  Sadly, the song didn’t fair as well on SoundClick, peaking at a pityful #237 on the charts.  But that hasn’t deterred me.  A video will be filmed for this song within the coming weeks.

Another song of mine, “My Broken Bones,” is now on CD as part of the RPM 2010 Challenge through Kompoz.

I have also join a project called “Destiny’s Fire.”  I will take part in a CD that should be released sometime in 2011.

On IndabaMusic, I have two remixes in competition, one being Peter Gabriel’s 1980 classic, “Games Without Frontiers.”  You can hear it at: http://www.indabamusic.com/submissions/show/20158  Voting begins July 1st – I would GREATLY appreciate your vote!

In non-music related news, I’m still suffering from my bipolar disorder.  While I usually stay in a depressive state, I have had episodes of “hypomania” – Not quite manic but a state of feeling significantly better than I should.  On the plus side, it’s made me much more productive, and I have accomplished quite a bit of projects and tasks.  However, after hypomania comes the depressive crash, which makes me practically immobile for a few days.  I have learned to live with this frustrating ebb-and-flow of emotions, but it is quite difficult to stay focused and maintain a “normal” life.  The cocktail of medications I take do help a lot, but it still isn’t perfect by a long shot.

I don’t know when I will update my blog again, but I do not plan to abandon it.  Unfortunately, it’s rather a low priority on my list of things to do, but I enjoy communicating with the public despite my basic shyness.

So for now, I will sign out.  Best wishes and blessings to all!  And look for me on Facebook – I check my newsfeed daily there.
Shannon

The Joys of Bipolar Disorder

Greetings!

Well, I’ve been running low on my medications, so I’ve been rationing, taking my dose every other day.  The result?  Not so good…

Today has been a great day so far, but yesterday was pure Hell.  The worst part of withdrawing from Effexor for me is the VIVID nightmares!  They seem so much like reality at the time, and I wake up completely exhausted.

Also, instead of the steady stream of depression that I usually find myself in, I’ve had hypomanic episodes, which at first feel very refreshing, but I find myself in trouble once I come back down to my normal depressed self.  For example, I spent far too much money on music refills and loops for my DAW, and I’m suffering from financial issues as a result.

I do hope I can get my medication situation straightened out soon!  But I have learned one thing after suffering from severe depression for several years:  It is a temporary episode, and I will have better days if I wait long enough.  Today is an example of a great day.  I’ve worked on music at Kompoz and now am updating my blog for the first time in a month.

I hope to update this blog again soon regarding my music – I now have a song on a CD that will be released later in the month.  And I have an opportunity to have another song recorded for another CD.

If only I could be functional and productive every day instead of just passing phases, I would be able to get back on my feet and hopefully stay there!  Maybe in time…

If you have bipolar disorder, please feel free to comment with your experiences.  Let me know if you want me to post them publically or not.

Best wishes to all!
Shannon

Side Effects of Xanax Addiction

Since many of my blog visitors seem interested in Xanax addiction, I found a source that gives more medical information on the subject: Side Effects of Xanax Addiction by Jennifer Marsh

More information can be found here:  The Ashton Manual

I hope this information helps people to get off of benzodiazepines.  They are much more powerful drugs than people realize.

Best wishes!
Shannon

TennCare Solution: Behavorial Health Safety Net

As another chapter unfolds in my losing health insurance through TennCare, I fortunately found another system through my state-run psychiatric clinic: Behavorial Health Safety Net.

I’m still learning about this health care insurance, but so far I found out that I do qualify.  It has two components to it: Cover RX (covers my medications) and another plan to cover my psychiatrist appointments.  So I no longer need to fear going back into a severe, crippling depression once again.

If you are losing your TennCare insurance and use a state-run clinic for your psychiatric needs, ask about Behavorial Health Safety Net.  There is still treatment after TennCare vanishes.

I will post more information on this as I learn the process.  If I can help one person to keep his/her treatments going, then I have done my job with this post.

Best wishes!
Shannon

Does TennCare Discriminate Against the Mentally Ill?

People who know me know that I’m very open about my mental illness: Atypical Bipolar Disorder.  It’s caused me to lose relationships, friends, and a decent job.

But now does my mental illness prevent me from receiving TennCare Medicaid?  (TennCare is Tennessee’s state-run insurance plan.)

I’m currently on disability while my doctors have been sorting out my medications.  Fortunately, they might have found a good combination that works fairly well.  I am able to blog again, compose music, and socialize – Things I found very difficult before I was properly treated.

Since I’m on disability and have a pre-existing condition, TennCare was my only hope to pay for the medications and treatments that have allowed me to become more capable with daily activities and have greatly reduced my suicidal tendencies.

But this week, I received a letter in the mail stating that my TennCare will be cut off on October the 8th.  Explanation: none.

Without TennCare, it would be impossible to pay for me medications.  (Abilify alone is approximately $1200.)  Without my medications and help from my psychiatrist and therapist, I will revert back to my dangerous state of depression once again.

I will appeal their judgement.  But I want to talk to the person who made this decision to drop me and ask him/her why I was dropped from the system.

Once again, I’m fortunate to be in a clear-minded state to fight this battle.  But what if I were still suffering from suicidal depression when this happened to me?  Have other people with mental illnesses also been slashed by TennCare?  If so, who is going to help them with the appeal process?

I will update this post as the appeal process begins.

In the meantime, think about the people who are helplessly in the grip of mental illness, how they would respond to being cut out of the system.  At least, for now, I can think straight and put up a good fight.  But I feel sorrow for those who cannot help themselves due to their illnesses.

Sincerely,
Shannon

Klonopin: An Alternative to Xanax

Greetings!

As I have mentioned in earlier posts in this blog, I became addicted to Xanax unintentionally over time.  After all, no one wakes up one morning and plans to become an addict.  But I do have serious issues with panic disorder and anxiety and needed something to alleviate the stress and nervousness that has plagued me over the years.

Finally, with the help of my psychiatrist and family doctor, I have found relief for both my addiction to Xanax and for my panic attacks.  The alternative medication?  Klonopin.

Before I go any further, I must make a disclaimer that I an NOT a physician and am by no means a medical expert.  I am only sharing my experiences, hoping it might help others who are suffering from Xanax use and anxiety disorders.

Klonopin is also a benzodiazepine, the same class of medications that Xanax, Valium, Librium, and Ativan are labeled under.  But Klonopin works in a much different and safer way.

For one, a user of Klonopin does not experience the highs and lows associated with Xanax.  It works slowly and builds up in the body over time, when taken at the correct dosage.  It is significantly less addictive than Xanax and is much harder to abuse.

Unlike Xanax, it is difficult to use Klonopin as a recreational drug.  Instead of a euphoric high, it simply calms down the overactive nervous system that produces General Anxiety Disorder (GAD) and panic attacks.

From my studies, it takes approximately two weeks of consistent use to reach maximum results.  Also, it takes between 45 minutes to an hour to begin working after taking the correct dose.

Furthermore, Klonopin is considerably easier and safer to withdraw from than Xanax, if the user needs to be taken off of benzodiazepines for whatever reason.  There is less of a chance of seizures and convulsions that are associated with Xanax withdrawal.

That said, it is wise to have a doctor help with withdrawing from Klonopin.  As with all medications used to treat mental illnesses, tapering the dosage over time under a doctor’s care is the best route to go.

Since I’ve been on Klonopin, I have had more energy, no desire to abuse the medication, and my anxiety is under control.

If you are currently taking Xanax and having difficulties with the medication, please ask your doctor about Klonopin.

Please be safe when using benzodiazepines, including Klonopin.  While they are not the miracle drugs that one had hoped for, they do serve a purpose when used correctly.  Ask your doctor for further advice.

On a side note, I have also augmented my anxiety disorder treatment with Neurotin (gabapentin) and hydroxyzine.  Neither of these medications are benzodiazepines, but they also have a calming effect on the nervous system.

I hope this information helps.

If you would like to read my account of Xanax addiction, please read Little Blue Footballs: Xanax Addiction (Part 1).

With best of wishes,
Shannon

Living in the Dark: A Bipolar Day

Another Lost Day

Today – September 27 – one of my closest friends got married. I, of course, was invited to come, and I, of course, did not show up.

I’ve been on the verge of tears the past few days but am unable to cry. Fatigue has overtaken me. I’m lethargic and everything appears bleak.

This isn’t meant to drum up sympathy from the readers. I just want to give those who do not suffer from mental illness a flavor of what it is like to feel misery for no apparent reason.

Signposts of Despair

Sure, I can point to my father’s death – nearly four years ago now – or my job situation, or the ending of a long-term relationship, or some problem here or there. But these problems are merely symptoms of a much larger disorder.

Another Futile Goal

I am currently trying to put my room in order. It’s been so long since I’ve lived with any sense of organization in my surroundings. I feel like I’m excavating a time capsule. I’m watching the years roll on by as I dig deeper into my piles of letters, cards, and other important papers I have squirreled away.

On Being Fired

I found the letter that basically told me that I was fired from my job at the college. I don’t know why, but I feel like framing it. All the efforts I mustered to keep going and to keep my job were for naught. The letter sums up my total worth as an employee at the college.

Technically, I wasn’t “fired.” I was simply “discharged of my duties.” Doesn’t that sound nice and neat?

Even if I had perfect attendance, I would still have lost my job sooner or later. My attitude was not developed for that type of environment. Absenteeism is probably a better reason to be dismissed than insubordination or having a paranoid manic episode to scare the “normal” people. Such as things are…

There’s Always a Little Light

After giving you a litany of my problematic feelings, I’m still hanging in there (without a noose). Hopefully by the end of this week I can say “goodbye” to dial-up and “hello” to fast-speed cable Internet access. That’s the plan at least.

And I have been able to stay awake for longer periods of times and be a bit more productive. I can’t say that for last week.

And my therapist has given me a lead for a music-related job. No payment involved, of course, but it’s another chance to get my name out there. I’m always open to the idea of free publicity.

Back to the Grind

Wish me luck on finding room for all the books, old computer equipment, and boxes of letters I have kept. I wish I could buy an extra dimension of space to store things. I’ve used up all of the three dimensions allotted to us in this universe.

Hopefully the next post will be a bit less serious. Just remember, if you are happy, don’t worry – That too shall pass. 🙂

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Suriving Mental Illness – Table of Contents

This series of post are about my personal battle with bipolar disorder and abuse.  I am hoping that sharing this information with others could possibly help those who feel alone.

Since I posted an overwhelming amount of posts on the subject of mental illness, I thought a table of contents would be useful:

Surviving Mental Illness

1. Introduction
2. Family History and Early Childhood
3. Late Childhood
4. Middle School
5. High School
6. College
7. 1993: The Crescendo
8. 1993: The Crash
9. 1993: Madness
10. Bad Medicine
11. Pushed to the Edge
12. Winning the War?
13. Today

Surviving Mental Illness – Today

Today

I’ve written this series of postings about my mental health well over a year ago. At the time, I felt like Depakote was the answer to my prayers. Sadly, it wasn’t. Neither was Lithium.

I’m taking Lexapro, Abilify, and a cocktail of medications to help combat anxiety.  They help, but I still have a long way to go.

I have tried to find employment with no success. My natural state of mind is a depressive one, and I frequently lack energy to do the things I enjoy, much less activities and chores that must be done.  Writing seems to be my only outlet and seems therapeutic.

Out of desperation, I am looking into SSI (disability) to see if I qualify for assistance. I haven’t made any money on the soundtrack I’ve written, and so far my freelance writing has been a washout.

But… I will still manage to survive.

Postscript

As much as I have written, there was still much left out. One person I need to thank is my former ladyfriend, who stood by me and helped me through some terrible periods. For the sake of her privacy – as well as mine – I cannot discuss more about her. But she is an angel nonetheless.

Also I thank my family who has had their share of personal struggles. They never gave up on me either.

And finally, I thank everyone who took the time to read through my struggles with mental illness. I do appreciate your time.

If you have any questions or comments, always feel free to contact me.  I will do my best to answer them.

Surviving Mental Illness – Winning the War?

Winning the War?

Cutting Myself

I don’t really remember how it began, but I took a razor and started slashing at my wrists. My intention wasn’t suicide, but if I had hit an artery, I wouldn’t have minded. My therapist referred to this action as a “dance with death.” He said it was a first step towards suicide.

There are two components that I have noticed when self-cutting. For one, there is a rush of endorphins that surge after a physical painful experience. And two, my mental depression now has a physical manifestation. I could put on a fake smile and use a cheerful sounding voice, but the cuts on my wrists tell the true story.

One night I cut myself so badly I had to go to the ER for a major laceration of the thumb. The blade had slipped and went right through the thumbnail. I hid my other cuts from the emergency personnel, but I’m sure they knew what I was up to. But I put on a fake smile and a cheerful sounding voice, and they didn’t ask any more questions. Perhaps they really didn’t want to know? Who can say?

Medicinal Change

After this, I immediately let my psychiatrist and therapist know what had happened. They immediately put me back on Lexapro and then a mood stabilizer called Ambilify. Within days after being taken off of Cymbalta, the urge to harm myself quickly disappeared, and I haven’t intentionally hurt myself since.

By now, people at work knew I was still an emotional wreck. My boss wanted me to stay, but Human Resources were looking for a way to get me out of there. They managed to fire another woman who also had suicidal tendencies – they used her attendance as an excuse.

And my attendance was shoddy too. With the Ambilify and Lexapro, I knew I was moving in the right direction, but something was still missing.

By the fall of 2006, my psychiatrist left and a new one took her place. He studied my records carefully and asked if I ever tried Depakote – a medication designed for bipolar disorder. I hadn’t, so he put me on it.

Could This Be the Answer?

I am still too amateur of a writer to come close to describing the difference it made me feel. I felt like I finally have woken up from a very long, dismal, and horribly bleak nightmare. My thoughts were neither sluggish nor rapid. The thought of suicide now seemed foreign to me.

Still, I lost my job due to absenteeism. But instead of planning my death, I began looking for a new one. I felt a sense of hope but one that is realistic. I could now organize my thoughts.

I felt “normal.”

But only for a while. The symptoms crept back into my life, and the emotional downward spiral came once again.

I felt defeated once again.

Next Entry: Today