Obsession: Desiring the Unattainable

“One way or another, I’m gonna win you, I’m gonna get you, get you, get you, get you.”
~ “One Way or Another” by Blondie

Being Honest with Myself

It’s embarrassing to admit to having an obsession, but I feel that it is important to bring attention to the subject. Many people have been the victims of stalkers. And with the advent Internet, it is easier now to track someone than ever before.

But in this first part of my two-part series on obsession, I will tell you how it is being the “obsesser.”

The Beginning

“Through the cold and darkly sky, you’re the only light I’ve seen.”
~ “Up And Down” by The Cars

If I were asked how it all began, I really wouldn’t know how to answer. It wasn’t a sudden incident. It was a feeling that grew in time.

The year was 1984. I was only 13; I estimate Janice was 35 at the time. At this point in my life, I already had to episodes with older women, both much older than Janice. So I didn’t see the age difference as a problem. (Don’t worry – I do NOW that I am older.)

Just to set up the circumstances, Janice was also married with children. At the time, I didn’t see that as a problem. I would like to chalk that up to immaturity on my part. I honestly do know better now.

Symptoms of the Obsession

“Condition’s red, disposition’s blue. Oh why am I so attracted to you?”
~ “Got a Lot on My Head” by The Cars

Interestingly, music had a large part to play in the obsession. I associated The Cars’ and Blondie’s music with Janice. The lyrics “spoke to me” and seemed to relate perfectly with my emotions for her.

Movies didn’t help. “A Night in Heaven,” with Christopher Atkins and Lesley Ann Warren, played on HBO. It was about a college student who was a male stripper by night, and he accidentally meets his teacher at the club one evening. They kissed romantically while Holly Knight’s version of “Obsession” played in the background: “Who do you want me to be to make you sleep with me?”

I would cast Janice and myself in the roles of such movies or in songs I would incessantly listen to. She became a dream figure in my mind instead of an actual woman with day-to-day real-world problems. Today, I know that Janice in my mind is not the real Janice that lives in the physical world, but at age 13, I didn’t make the distinction.

Crossing the Line

“Talk to me now, step into my room, we’ll have a word or two.”
~ “Here’s Looking at You” by Blondie

Of course, I didn’t just want Janice as a dream lover. I wanted her to want me in real world.

Surprisingly, my feelings for her were not sexual; I never really had sexual fantasies involving her. I wanted more of a relationship, something tangible and to be desired by her.

So I wrote her love letters and let her know how I felt.

Needless to say, this did not go over very well. In the beginning she just threw them away. But later – without my knowledge – she wisely started collecting them as evidence just in case rumors got started about us.

I was devastated when I found this out from another teacher that I had befriended. She clued me in quickly, and the dream bubble burst.

The Long Road That Followed

“Baby, why can’t I have you? You’re breaking my heart in two.”
~ “Why Can’t I Have You?” by The Cars

I couldn’t accept that she would not want to be with me, even as Platonic friends. After learning that she wasn’t interested, I wanted more than ever for her to acknowledge me.

I quit sending her letters at first, but over the years that followed I would sporadically send her either a birthday or a Christmas card, never hearing anything in return.

Once, before her divorce, I got up the nerve and called her and just told her how I felt and that I was sorry that I caused her any problems. She was actually friendly and assured me that everything was fine and not to worry.

But there was a sense of closure on her part afterwards. Whenever I ran into her in town, she would ignore me. I never tried to initiate contact with her again, but she still haunts my memory to this day.

Grown Up and Wiser

Even though Janice still plays a part in my thoughts and dreams, I no longer have any contact with her. I now realize that she is like a muse, the basis of a fantasy figure. The Janice in my mind is separate from the real-life Janice. And knowing that helps me to move on, to have other relationships.

But there isn’t a day that goes by that she doesn’t cross my mind at least once. That said, I know I can still live without her attention.

“It’s just a broken lullaby, bye, bye love.”
~ “Bye Bye Love” by The Cars